ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/R/RadioHams

Text File | 1993-12-04 | 8KB | 111 lines

Radio amateur jokes. A radio ham died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To
his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St.
Peter.  To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down
the long line to where the radio ham was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St.
Peter and one of his assistants took the radio ham by the hands and guided
him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The radio ham said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so
special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours you've
waffled... ... by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" ---- A
Dublin radio ham died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to
donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to
bury a G3! Here's a guinea; go bury another 20.  ----- The Pope and a radio
ham find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum
of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St.
Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing
out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new
lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the
front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts
of lavish trappings. This, Pete  announces, is where the radio ham will be
spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope
says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to
see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the
landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally
land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third
walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the
pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey
Pete! What's the deal here? You put that radio ham-feller in a beautiful
estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this
street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and
religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma
together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first radio ham to
make it up here!!" ----- A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a
drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation
for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4
p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and
went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He
found a dozen radio ham's in the main lobby and told them that they were a
jury. The radio ham's thought this would be a novel experience and so
followed the judge back to the courtroom.  The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty.  The jury went
into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict
yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still
waffling for the foreman's position!" ------ These two guys, George and
Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37
hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can
see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and
the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.  George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".  So Harry yells down to
the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground
yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".  George turns to
Harry and says "That man must  be a radio ham".  And Harry says "How can you
tell?".  George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and
totally useless".                  ---- For three years, the young radio ham
had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to
an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why
didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.  "I would
have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have
my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have
a fornicator in the family than a radio ham." ----- At a convention of
biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that
in our lab we have switched from mice to radio ham's for our experiments?"
"Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three
reasons.  First we found that radio ham's are far more plentiful, second,
the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some
things even a rat won't do.  However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate
our test results to human beings." ---- A certain radio ham was quite
wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for
several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the radio ham would invite a
different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or
two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a radio ham, agreed. Well, they
had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great
outdoors. Early one morning, the radio ham and his Czechoslovakian companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around
the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous
quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the radio
ham, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though,
wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The
radio ham ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the radio ham. Sure enough, the two bears were
still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the radio ham, pointing to the male,
while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He
just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without
batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the radio ham, "I said he was in the
other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a radio ham
who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" ------ A Russian, a Cuban, an
American and a radio ham are in a train. The Russian takes a bootle of the
Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can
find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of
it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and
throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins
to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much
of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the
pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite
impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and
throws the other two through it... ----------