ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/R/Railway

Text File | 1994-03-04 | 17KB | 324 lines

                     On using the Railway
                     ====================


     It will be necessary from time to time for a gentleman to
go  forth over such distance or terrain, as will make the  use
of his automobile quite inappropriate.  Unless he is minded to
embark upon an unguided tour of every town, village and hamlet
lying loosely between his goal and point of departure, he must
at  all  costs  avoid engaging a hackney carriage.   His  only
alternative  will  be  to expose himself  to  the  rigours  of
Railway travel.

      Recalling  that this odious system was  birthed  by  one
Robert  Stevenson "to enable the peasants to move  about"  and
that  it  did, within months of its inception, slay its  first
common  man, the gentleman will be aware that he must  consort
with all manner of thieves, vagabonds, unaccompanied women and
runny-nosed  pupae  of the same, bearing  alongside  them  the
several   discomforts   so   cunningly   bequeathed   by   the
aforementioned  Mr. Stevenson.  He may not be aware,  however,
of the nature and diversity of the difficulties he must endure
and may find the following explanation illuminating.

      He  should  understand at once that "a  servant  of  the
railway"  is  merely  a  generic term bandied  freely  by  the
Railways Board to describe its assorted employees.  It has  no
correlation with common usage of  the term "servant" and  such
railway  employees as may, with difficulty,  be  persuaded  to
communicate  will  generally  do  so  with  little  more  than
indecipherable  grunts.  Should he be  minded  to  pursue  his
question, a gentleman should be aware that the average railway
employee  will, in retaliation, send him to the  wrong  train,
bound for the wrong direction, and leaving from a platform  so
far  removed  from his position as to be beyond  his  line  of
sight.   Should  fortune smile on the fellow and  a  train  be
about  to leave the station, he will not hesitate to cut short
further  dialogue by suggesting that it be the very  train  in
question,   thereby  forcing  upon  the   gentleman   a   most
incommodious  dash  across raised walkways  and  litter-strewn
platforms.

      Unless  circumstances render it unavoidable, a gentleman
should  under  no  circumstances avail himself  of  facilities
labelled  by  the  railway board as "Public Conveniences"  and
variously re-signed "Bogs", "Khazi" and "Shittus" by  previous
patrons.  Such places will invariably be overly public and not
at  all convenient.  There will be no place within upon  which
he  may suspend his British Warm, nor any safe refuge for  his
attache  case  and daily journal.   Seldom will  he  find  any
tissue  provided, and the receptacle mounted for that  purpose
on the wall will usually have been converted for use a notice-
board  by  a  club or clubs whose members, evidently  pygmies,
claim  to stand between 8 and 12 inches !  The floor  will  in
most  locations boast several inches of rank fluid,  being  of
questionable  origin  and having the most deleterious  effects
upon  the  fabric of his habiliment.  Should  he  find  a  dry
floor,  he may yet discover that a mischievous servant of  the
railway opts mere moments later to swill the room through with
a  malodorous  concentrate of "general cleaner".   The  sudden
appearance  of this last, being as incommodious as the  first,
may  occasion  such startlement as will cause a  gentleman  to
drop  his cigar prematurely into the pan.  Should a foray onto
such  perilous ground be truly necessary, it is to be  desired
that  a gentleman will direct his man to proceed him, for  the
purpose  of ensuring that any indecorous evidence of  previous
visitors has been entirely removed.

      No  reliance may be placed upon information gleaned from
the  Public  Address apparatus and it is, in the main,  wholly
fruitless to heed it at all.  If a cursory examination of  the
station  architecture reveals that the booth  from  which  the
apparatus is operated has an unrestricted view of the entrance
to  the  public  conveniences,  it  will  be  found  that  the
apparatus  will remain silent until and unless  the  gentleman
elects,  notwithstanding the foregoing, to adjust  his  dress,
whereupon  it will at once begin to deliver a nasal monologue.


The  uneducated speech of the operator, with the orgiastic and
horse-like  emanations  from  the  cubicles  alongside,   will
conspire to render the announcement wholly unintelligible to a
gentleman so engaged.

      At  larger stations, where such configuration is in  any
event  impossible to achieve, the gentleman  must  be  on  his
guard   against  a  particularly  malevolent  practice,  known
variously  as the "Crewe Quick-step" and "Paddington  Parade".
It  is  a  most  distasteful prank,  first  perfected  by  the
working class at Crewe and Paddington stations (and hence  its
nomenclature)  to the discomfiture of its betters.   The  only
indication that such a dastardly action is afoot will  be  the
unexpected  clarity  of  announcements delivered  through  the
Public  Address apparatus, since passengers' understanding  of
the station announcements is essential to the ploy.

      A  gentleman waiting for his train at Platform  12,  for
example, will find within moments of its expected arrival time
that "due to a points failure at Upper Throgmorton", the train
will not now arrive.  Passengers will be asked instead to make
their way across the station concourse and over footbridges 4,
5  and  6  to Platform 3 where the "12.56 from Liverpool  Lime
Street"  will  shortly  depart and  will  then  "stop  at  all
stations ....." for benefit of those otherwise stranded.

      Struggling with his attache case and daily journal,  his
man  in  tow  with his various luggage, and being  pushed  and
shoved  by hordes of the unwashed working class, the gentleman
will   find   part-way  through  his  trek  that   a   further
announcement is made, this to the effect that the Lime  Street
train  has,  in fact, left already. but that arrangements  are
being  made  to  hold the train now standing at  Platform  14.
Arriving, winded, at Platform 14, he will find that the  train
has indeed been held but that it is a parcels-only train.  The
crew, being wise to this outrageous scam, will feign ignorance
and  claim regretfully that, being strangers to the area, they
are wholly unable to assist.

      The  Public  Address  apparatus  being  then  silent,  a
gentleman  will  ordinarily despatch his man to  confront  the
nearest railway worker.  That creature too will proclaim  lack
of  knowledge ("I just sweep platforms 14, 15 and 16  Guv.   I
dunno  nuffink abart no trains !") but will suggest  that  the
next  train  which will serve is due to arrive at  Platform  7
within ten minutes.  Being seized of good manners, a gentleman
will   naturally  convey  this  information  to   his   fellow
travellers before he departs for platform 7, only to find that
the  majority  of  them,  evidently distrusting  his  quality,
choose instead to wander off back toward platform 12.

      As  he  reaches platform 7 with his man astern, he  will
hear  an  announcement to the effect that, the  points  having
been restored at Upper Throgmorton, his original train is even
now arriving at platform 12 and, being late, will be departing
"shortly" to make up lost time.  Adjusting his course, he will
make his way to that platform as speedily as good taste allows
and  find, upon his arrival, that the train actually  left  as
the announcement was being made.  The public address apparatus
will  then  announce the railway's regret at any inconvenience
caused  to its passengers - as if any other than he  had  been
inconvenienced or, having missed the train, could even hope to
hear it !

     Should he ever manage to board his train, a gentleman who
has reserved a seat must first send his man on ahead to remove
from  it whichever incumbent has previously bribed the  Guard.
Little assistance may be expected from the Guard who will,  in
such  cases,  be found to have joined the train  at  the  same
station  in  order  to relieve his sick  colleague.   It  will
seldom be wise, therefore, to reserve a seat in advance.

      Once  aboard,  great care must be taken with  regard  to
choice of seat.  Whilst a gentleman will quite naturally  wish
to  sit  apart from the common man, it will seldom be safe  to
occupy a seat at an empty table for fear that he may later  be
joined  there by thoroughly undesirable elements.   Better  in
the  main to accept poor company with good grace and to select
a  position alongside elderly females (who have no young  with
them), elderly clerics (noted for sleeping-off the effects  of
good  port  wine  whilst  travelling)  or,  if  nonesuch   are
available,  as disciplined a family unit as may  be  found  on
board.

     The importance of selecting an appropriate seat cannot be
over-emphasised since experience shows that no quarter may  be
expected from the common man.  (It was reported in "The Times"
recently  that  no less a personage than the Duke  of  Packet,
having  become surrounded by a herd of football supporters  on
the  London to Leeds Pullman, found his toupee unceremoniously
removed and used to hold the "kitty" for a poker game in which
he,   incidentally,   was  put  upon  most   persistently   to
participate.)

      The  close proximity of his uneducated and unwashed  co-
travellers   will   invariably   preclude   the   satisfactory
completion  of  a gentleman's crossword puzzle  and  he  will,
quite   reasonably,  desire  some  entertainment.   Being   an
ignorant   creature,  the  common  man  will   often   provide
unparallelled diversion if a little thought is  given  to  the
situation.

     A gentleman sitting alone toward the rear of his carriage
may  obtain several minute's extended amusement if he will say
"Tickets  Please"  in a barely audible  voice.   Such  is  the
intelligence  of  the  common  man  that  he  will  invariably
scrabble  urgently in pocket after pocket  in  search  of  his
permit  to  travel, without even first checking  by  whom  the
request  for  its production was made.  Used with  discretion,
this  simple artifice may generally be repeated two  or  three
times  within  a  single journey, and more  if  the  gentleman
should feel moved to use it whilst visiting other carriages to
ease the gout.

      Such  is  the quality of ride in most railway  carriages
that a gentleman may easily find himself seized of great wind,
the  passage  of which may be fraught with embarrassment.  and
the  retention of which overly discomfiting.  While travelling
alongside  the lower orders, there would seem to be no  reason
for  self-restraint  in  this direction  although,  since  the
common  man is not familiar with the bodily functions  of  his
betters, it may be useful to apportion the blame.  If evidence
of his relief is aural he should at once lower his journal and
ask  conspiratorially of the nearest fellow "Good Lord !   Did
you  hear  *that*  ?",  thus abrading  most  convincingly  any
suspicion  of guilt.  Should the evidence be of a  more  nasal
quality, it will generally be sufficient if he will lower  his
journal  as before, and ask with solicitous concern  "My  good
fellow - are you quite well ?"

      In  the event that the flatulence is upon him and he has
need  of  repeated relief, a gentleman should, in  conscience,
repair to the small room.  Regrettably, there appears to be  a
sub-culture  within the lower orders which may universally  be
relied upon to enter within and for long periods obstruct that
facility.  Indeed, unless provoked, such individuals  will  as
likely  as not stay within until journey's end.  Such  conduct
is  an  obvious  set-back  to the gentleman's  goal  but  may,
fortunately, be overcome if he will make liberal  use  of  his
Dunhill lighter.

      Before announcing his presence, he should liberally warm
the  aluminium handle which he will find on the cubicle  door.
He  will  be comforted to observe that naked flame neutralises
unwelcome odours quite efficaciously, thereby removing much of
the urgency from his situation.  When the handle has become so
warm  as  to  be  glowing gently on the  outside,  it  may  be
presumed  that  sufficient heat has been  transmitted  to  its
partner within.  A stentorian knock should then be effected on
the  door,  accompanied  in  a clear  voice  by  "Your  ticket
please".    Perceiving   his  ticketless   adventure   to   be
approaching  a  premature  end, the occupant  will  invariably
seize  the  internal handle, either to prevent  the  imaginary
Ticket  Inspector from forcing entry or to open the  door  and
plead  in  mitigation.  In either event,  the  scoundrel  will
receive  his just desserts as his hand is severely  blistered,
and  may  generally be relied upon to mend his  ways  for  the
future.

      As a sop to its nervous customers, the railway board has
installed  in each of its carriages a series of chains,  which
are  linked  throughout and terminate in the  locomotive  cab.
The  primary purpose of this device is declared to be a  means
of  communication between passenger and driver.  Such  is  the
frequency  with which the travelling public has  sought,  over
the  years, to so communicate with its servants, the board has
attached  a  penalty to its improper use.   It  therefore  has
scant  relevance  to the travelling gentleman,  since  he  can
scarce  be expected to concern himself with the well-being  of
the  common man, much less to signal as much to the driver and
thereby  visit  upon himself and any other  gentry  aboard  an
avoidable delay.

     Should he be so discomfited by one or more of the drunken
peasants  with whom he is confined, however, there  may  be  a
case  for  lying in wait at the rear of an adjacent  carriage.
It  will then be a simple matter to observe him as he staggers
past,  laden with assorted spirits for the rest of his litter,
and  to  effect  a discreet but firm tug on the  communicating
chain  immediately he has passed.  The peasant  will  have  no
knowledge  of  this for several seconds - dependant  upon  the
speed  of the driver's reflex - but will shortly afterward  be
pitched headlong down the corridor, arms and legs akimbo.   It
will be a simple matter when the Guard arrives to offer honest
testimony  as to the peasant's culpability ("My  good  man,  I
could  not  help but notice ..... this individual grasped  the
chain  as  he fell in his drunken stupor ...." ) and have  him
removed, for the remainder of his journey, to the cage in  the
Guard's  van.  It may even be possible in the resultant  melee
for  the gentleman to procure, at no cost to himself,  one  or
two  well shaken miniature bottles of rather mediocre  spirits
to while away the journey.

       Against   the   possibility  of  the  enraged   captive
terminating  his journey at the same station  as  himself,  it
will  be  not wise for the gentleman to visit him in his  cage
for the purpose of leering, nor poking at him through the bars
with his umbrella.

      Disorderly groups of travellers, well in their cups, are
wont often to congregate in the vestibule of each carriage and
must, in extreme cases, be taught the error of their ways.  If
a  gentleman  will walk forward two or three carriages  within
the  train he may, by the simple device of feigning  a  sudden
and urgent need to vomit (which practise is offensively common
among  the  lower orders) easily attain the  door  in  such  a
vestibule  quite  unhindered.  If he will then surreptitiously
slip  the  first and second catch of the door before returning
to  his seat and observing developments outside the window, he
may  be  rewarded  by a demonstration of  the  common  man  in
flight.

     Since it has been shown that those alighting from railway
carriages  under  steam seldom survive their interaction  with
the  ground, it will be appreciated that no vestige  of  blame
for  this terrible accident must ever attach to the gentleman,
lest  he afterward be required to explain his actions  in  the
most  unforgiving  of company.  It should be  understood  also
that  the railway board, being cognisant of the public  outcry
which  such  accidents engender, have set in  place  rules  to
which  the train-crew will give immediate effect.  Such  rules
will require, amongst other inconveniences, that the train  be
brought  at  once to a stand and remain there until  the  late
Johnny  Walker  has  been  examined and  his  life  pronounced
extinct.  It is recommended, therefore, that entertainment  of
this  nature be foregone by the travelling gentleman if  there
is in his journey any element of urgency.

      The lower orders have always looked to their betters for
leadership  in times of crisis.  Should he minded  to  involve
himself in the aftermath of any lamentable accident on board a
moving  train,  a  gentleman may feel  free  to  take  charge.
However, should he see no advantage in becoming thus embroiled
he  should  affect an overwhelming and speechless distress  at
his fellow man's suffering and proclaim himself totally unable
to assist.  For this wholesome honesty and genuine compassion,
the common man will quite rightly commend him.

Best wishes,

Greg (G0MAM) @ GB7CHS

*** EOF