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Text File | 1991-12-28 | 16KB | 602 lines

200 Q: What happens when you throw a green rock in the red sea? A: It gets wet! Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig? A: Because it is a squealer! Q: Where do frogs sit? A: On toadstools! Q: If a man were born in Greece, raised in Spain, came to America, and died in San Francisco, what is he? A: Dead! Q: Why did the man have to fix his car horn? A: Because it didn't give a hoot! Q: Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? A: He wanted to see a butter fly. Q: Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out the window? A: Because he wanted to see a water fall! Q: What paper makes you itch? A: Scratch paper! Q: What can you break without touching it? A: Your promise! Q: A man was driving a black truck with the lights out. There was no moon. A lady was crossing the street. How did he see her? A: It was daytime! Q: What animal makes the most of its food? A: The giraffe. It makes a little go a long way! Q: What is the weather always like in Mexico? A: Chili today, hot tamale! Q: What time is the same spelled backwards or forwards? A: Noon! Q: What do you get if you cross an insect and a rabbit? A: Bugs Bunny! Q: Why aren't there any stories about beds? A: They haven't been made up yet! Q: What did the tree say to the woodpecker? A: You bore me! Q: What color was Napoleon's white horse? A: duh. Q: When do you put a clock in the oven? A: When you want to have a hot time! Q: What ten letter word starts with g-a-s? A: Automobile! Q: If you want to get rich, why should you just shut up? A: Because silence is golden! Q: What can be drawn without any drawing utensil? A: Breath! Q: What goes around a yard but doesn't move? A: A fence! Q: What is a calf after it is six months old? A: Seven months old! Q: What kind of fruit has a short temper? A: A crab apple! Q: What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands? A: A pocket watch! Q: What always comes into the house through the keyhole? A: A key! Q: What has four legs and a back but no body? A: A chair! Q: What kind of electricity do they have in Washington? A: D.C.! Q: What did the man do when he got a big gas bill? A: He exploded! Q: What is the best day to go to the beach? A: On a Sun Day! Q: How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup? A: Read the label! Q: What trees come in two's? A: Pear Trees! Q: What insect runs away from everything? A: A Flee! Q: What does Brazil produce that no other country produces? A: Brazillians! Q: What people are like the end of a book? A: The Finnish! Q: Who never gets his hair wet in the shower? A: A bald man! Q: What did the light say to the girl? A: Turn me on! Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? A: You're too young to smoke! Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? A: To keep their pants up! Q: Who can marry a lot of wives and still be single? A: A minister! Q: Why do we buy clothes? A: Because we can't get them free! Q: If six people and two dogs were under an umbrella, why didn't any of them get wet? A: Because it wasn't raining! Q: What piece of wood is like a king? A: A ruler! Q: What did the muffler say to the car owner? A: "Boy, am I exhausted!" Q: Why did the window pane blush? A: It saw the weather strip! Q: Where do crying children go? A: To the bawl park! Q: What has fifty heads and fifty tails? A: Fifty pennies! Q: When is the vet busiest? A: When it rains cats and dogs! Q: What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold? A: One knows the stops, the other stops the nose! Q: What do you call a sick crocodile? A: An illigator! Q: If you fell of a ladder, what would you fall against? A: Against your will! Q: Why shouldn't you make fun of fat people? A: Because it's not nice to poke fun at someone's expanse! Q: If an apple a day keeps the dentist away, what will an onion do? A: Keep everyone away! Q: Where do squirrels go when they go insane? A: To the nut house! Q: What do you have if your head is hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes? A: You probably have a polka-dotted sock over your head! Q: When do you have acute pain? A: When you own a pretty window! Q: When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible? A: When moses recieved the two tablets! Q: What happened when the dog swallowed the watch? A: He got a lot of ticks! Q: How did the kid get a flat nose? A: He was told to keep it to the grindstone! Q: What is the healthiest kind of water? A: Well water! Q: What is the perfect cure for dandruff? A: Baldness! Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer? A: You have a hole in one! Q: What do you get if you put your hand in a pot? A: A potted palm! Q: What happened when the icicle landed on the man's head? A: It knocked him cold! Q: Where do animals go when they lose their tails? A: To a retail store! Q: What did the doctor say to the patient when he finished the operation? A: That's enough out of you! Q: How can you tell if you are cross-eyed? A: When you see eye-to-eye with yourself! Q: How can you tell if you are cross-eyed? A: Try looking in a mirror! Q: What is the best way to cure acid indigestion? A: Stop drinking acid! Q: What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog? A: Oinkment! Q: What do you call a person who doesn't have all his fingers on one hand? A: Normal. Most people have their fingers spread over two hands! Q: What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill? A: He bucked! Q: How was the blind carpenter able to see? A: He picked up his hammer and saw! Q: How can you tell if a bucket is not well? A: When it is a little pail! Q: What do you call a sheep that is covered in chocolate? A: A Hershey baaa! Q: How do you make an eggroll? A: Push it! Q: Why is it dangerous to do math in a cannibal's den? A: Because if you add 4 and 4, you get ate! Q: What is a pie in the sky? A: A flying pizza! Q: Why did the farmer plant sugar cubes? A: Because he wanted to raise cane! Q: Why did the woman eat bullets? A: Because she wanted her hair to grow in bangs! Q: Do ministers ever use operator assistance? A: No. They always go parson to parson! Q: Why did the orchestra have bad manners? A: It didn't know how to conduct itself! Q: What do you call a crazy pickle? A: A daffy dill! Q: What do ghosts eat for lunch? A: Boo-loney sandwiches! Q: What does the Swamp Thing like for desert? A: Marsh-mellows! Q: What kind of eggs does an evil chicken lay? A: Deviled eggs! Q: What hired killer never goes to jail? A: The exterminator! Q: What is a boxer's favorite drink? A: Punch! Q: Which hand should you use to stir tea? A: Neither. Use a spoon! Q: What is small, purple, and dangerous? A: A grape with a machine gun! Q: What gun does a police dog use? A: A dogmatic! Q: Where do tough chickens come from? A: From hard-boiled eggs! Q: How do you tell when a bell is obedient? A: If it only rings when tolled! Q: What kind of food do brave soldiers eat? A: Hero sandwiches! Q: What is stolen candy? A: Hot chocolate! Q: What do well behaved young lambs say to their mothers? A: Thank ewe! Q: What is the last thing you eat before you die? A: You bite the dust! Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a Boy Scout? A: A real big uniform! Q: What is the grossest kind of cookie? A: A snicker-doo-doo! Q: What happens to evil pigs? A: They become deviled ham! Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To get to Mexico, where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving! Q: What do mice wear to school on gym day? A: Squeakers! Q: Why did the elephant put ketchup in his navel? A: Cause he wanted eat French Fries lying down! Q: Why didn't the Mad Scientist allow the sick eagle in his laboratory? A: Because it was illeagle! *get it?* Q: Why did the mad scientist put an elastic band around his forehead? A: So he could stretch his imagination! Q: How do cowboys watch t.v. when they're out on the range? A: By saddle lights! Q: What do you call a cat who eats a lemon? A: A sourpuss! Q: Who is bigger: Mr Bigger or his baby? A: Mr. Bigger's baby is a little Bigger! Q: How many seconds are in a year? A: 12 - January 2nd, February 2nd... Q: How does Santa Claus take care of his yard? A: With a hoe, hoe, hoe! Q: What did the envelope say when the boy licked it? A: Nothing - it shut up! Q: First you see a red mill. Then there's a walk at the end. Then there's a key. What is it? A: Milwaukee! Q: What is a monster's favorite team? A: The Giants! Q: What American has the largest family? A: George Washington - He's the Father of our Country! Q: Did you hear about the fight in the Candy Store? A: Two suckers got licked! Q: What state in the U.S. is the happiest? A: Merry Land! Q: What did the candles say to the birthday cake? A: These birthdays really burn me up! Q: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? A: Because it ran out of juice! Q: Why do flies walk on the ceiling? A: If they walked on the floor, someone might step on them! Q: What is a foreign ant? A: ImportAnt! Q: Why do hippies study the stars? A: Because they are so far out! Q: Why did the farmer put rusted out cars in his garden? A: He wanted to raise a bumper crop! Q: How can you eat an egg without breaking its shell? A: Ask someone else to break it! Q: Why does a baby duck walk softly? A: Because it is a baby and can't walk, hardly! Q: What helps keep your teeth together? A: Toothpaste! Q: What brings the monster's babies? A: Frankenstork! Q: Did you hear the story about the Peacock? A: It's a beautiful tail! Q: What bugs are good at math? A: Mosquitos: they add to misery, subtract from fun, and multiply fast! Q: Why did the mouse want to move? A: She was tired of living in a hole in the wall! Q: How can you tell a cat that likes rain? A: Because when it rains it purrs! Q: Why do bees hum? A: Because they don't know the words! Q: Who settled in the West before anyone else? A: The Sun! Q: What is a distant relative? A: Someone who is not living with you! Q: What is the biggest ant? A: An ELEPHant! Q: What is smaller than an ant's mouth? A: An ant's dinner! Q: How can you spell too much with just two letters? A: XS! Q: What is the hottest part of a man's face? A: His sideburns! Q: What fish has the lowest voice? A: A bass! Q: When was beef at its highest? A: When the cow jumped over the moon! Q: What person is always yelling? A: The I Scream Man! Q: What kind of theif has to be really strong? A: A shoplifter! Q: What kind of house weighs the least? A: A Lighthouse! Q: What is the hardest thing about learning to roller skate? A: The ground! Q: What coat has the most sleeves? A: A coat of arms! Q: What fruit has been known since man invented the calendar? A: Dates! Q: What is purple and 5,000 miles long? A: The Grape Wall of China! Q: Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue? A: Because they can't dress themselves! Q: Where can you always find health, wealth, and happiness? A: In the dictionary! Q: Why is the dictionary dangerous? A: Because it has Dynamite and Arsenic in it! Q: A man who worked in a butcher shop was 6 feet tall, had red hair, and wore size 11 shoes. What did he weigh? A: Meat! Q: How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot? A: Perky! Q: What did the two vampires do from midnight to 12:10? A: They took a coffin break! Q: What do people in England call little black cats? A: Kittens! Q: Why did the man put his money in the refrigerator? A: To make some cold cash! Q: How do you make a Venetian blind? A: Poke a finger in its eye! Q: What is a stupid flower? A: A Blooming Idiot! Q: Why do lions eat raw meat? A: Because they don't know how to cook! Q: Why do lions eat raw meat? A: Because they can't light their Coleman stove! Q: Why do lions eat raw meat? A: Because they have to much trouble fitting it on the shishkebab! Q: Why do lions eat raw meat? A: Because the stove is broken! Q: What can you do with old bowling balls? A: Give them to elephants to shoot marbles! Q: Dogs have fleas. What do Sheep have? A: Fleece! Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? A: No, they had an apple! Q: What do you call a Volkswagon filled with cookies? A: Farfignewton! Q: What is a bulldozer? A: Someone who sleeps while a polititian is making a speech! Q: Where do trees keep their money? A: In branch banks! Q: If cheese comes on top of hamburger, what comes after cheese? A: Mice! Q: If cheese comes on top of hamburger, what comes after cheese? A: The cheese police! Q: Where do fish keep their money? A: In river banks! Q: Where do Eskimos keep their money? A: In snowbanks! Q: Where do hogs keep their money? A: In piggy banks! Q: Where do vampires keep their money? A: In blood banks! Q: Where do mummies swim? A: In the Dead Sea! Q: What is the best way to eat spaghetti? A: Well, first open your mouth.... Q: What happened when Abel died? A: He became Unable! Q: What did the little light bulb say to its mom? A: I wuv you watts and watts! Q: Why do wallets make so much noise? A: Because money talks! Q: What happens to a refrigerator when you pull the plug? A: It loses its cool! Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink? A: A phew! Q: What does an invisible baby drink? A: Evaporated milk! Q: What runs around all day and then lies under the bed with its tongue hanging out? A: Your shoe! Q: What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty? A: "Hi, mom!" Q: What lottery did the broom win? A: The sweepstakes! Q: Why does a chicken lay an egg? A: Because if she dropped it, it would break! Q: Why do you always start to walk with the right foot first? A: Because when you move one foot, the other is always left behind! Q: When do you swallow your words? A: When you eat alphabet soup! Q: What is the difference between a greedy person and an electric toaster? A: One takes the most and the other makes the toast! Q: Is it better to write on a full or an empty stomach? A: Neither. You'll find that paper works best! Q: What kind of bird is always around when there is anything to eat or drink? A: A swallow? Q: Why are identical twins like a broken alarm clock? A: Because they are dead ringers! Q: Why don't scarecrows have any fun? A: Because they are stuffed shirts! Q: How do you make a cigarette lighter? A: Take out the tobacco! Q: How do you make notes of stone? A: Rearrange the letters! Q: What kind of umbrella did Louis XII carry in the rain? A: A wet one! Q: Why does the stork stand on one leg only? A: If he lifted it, he would fall down! Q: What is the difference between a banana and a bell? A: You can only peal a banana once! Q: What invention allows you to see through walls? A: A window! Q: Why can it be said that whales talk a lot? A: Because they're always spouting off! Q: What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't? A: It can look round! Q: When is a man not a man? A: When he turns into an alley!