(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of
pregnancy.
(2) Always be backlit.
(3) Sit down whenever possible.
@
Allison╒s Precept
The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area.
@
Anthony╒s Law of Force
Don╒t force it, get a larger hammer.
@
Anthony╒s Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Corollary to Anthony╒s Law
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always
strike your toes.
@
Army Axiom
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
@
Arnold╒s Law of Documentation:
1) If it should exist, it doesn╒t.
2) If it doesn╒t exist, it╒s out of date.
3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two
laws.
@
Arthur╒s Laws of Love:
1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
remind them of someone else.
2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
yourself in person.
@
Axiom of the Pipe (Trischmann╒s Paradox)
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
@
Baker╒s Law
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
@
Baker╒s First Law of Federal Geometry:
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
@
Barach╒s Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
@
Barber╒s Laws of Backpacking
1) The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop
trail you choose to hike always comes out positive.
2) The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the
amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the
pack weight goes on increasing anyway.
3) The difficulty of finding any given trail marker is directly
proportional to the importance of the consequences of failing to
find it.
4) The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains
constant as twilight approaches.
5) When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full.
6) The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to
your remaining repellent.
@
Barth╒s Distinction
There are two types of people: those who divide people into
two types, and those who don╒t.
@
Barzun╒s Laws of Learning
The simple but difficult arts of paying attention, copying accurately,
following an argument, detecting an ambiguity or a false inference,
testing guesses by summoning up contrary instances, organizing one╒s time and one╒s thought for study - all these arts - cannot be taught in the air but only through the difficulties of a defined subject. They cannot be taught in one course or one year, but must be acquired gradually in dozens of connections.
@
Forthoffer╒s Cynical Summary of Barzun╒s Laws
That which has not yet been taught directly can never
be taught directly.
@
Baxter╒s First Law
Government intervention in the free market always leads to a
lower national standard of living.
@
Baxter╒s Second Law
The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system
always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and,
ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
@
Baxter╒s Third Law
In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation.
@
Becker╒s Law
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
@
Beifeld╒s Principle
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date
(2) his wife
(3) a better looking and richer male friend
@
Bicycle Law
All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain.
A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain.
A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain.
@
Blaauw╒s Law
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
@
Bolub╒s Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
@
Booker╒s Law
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
@
Boren╒s Laws
1) When in doubt, mumble.
2) When in trouble, delegate.
3) When in charge, ponder.
@
Bradley╒s Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.
@
Brien╒s Law
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization,
its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
@
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
@
Brook╒s Law
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
@
Brooke╒s Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
@
Brown╒s Law of Business Success
Our customer╒s paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
@
Bucy╒s Law
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
@
Bye╒s First Law of Model Railroading
Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults
is proportional to the number of viewers.
@
Bye╒s Second Law of Model Railroading
The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional
to the decline of the prototype.
@
Cahn╒s Axiom
When all else fails, read the instructions.
@
Camp╒s Law
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
@
Canada Bill Jones╒ Motto
It╒s morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
@
Canada Bill Jones╒ Supplement
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
@
Cheop╒s Law
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
@
Chisholm╒s Law of Human Interaction
Anytime things appear to be going better you have overlooked something.
@
Chisholm╒s Third Law
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise
by others.
Corollary 1:
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.
Corollary 2:
If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone╒s
approval, somebody won╒t like it.
Corollary 3:
Procedures devised to implement the purpose won╒t quite work.
Corollary 4:
No matter how long or how many times you explain,
no one is listening.
@
Churchill╒s Commentary on Man
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
@
Clarke╒s First Law
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something
is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that
something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
@
Clarke╒s Second Law
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go
beyond them into the impossible.
@
Clarke╒s Third Law
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic.
@
Clarke╒s Law of Revolutionary Ideas
Every revolutionary idea - in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever - evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:
1) ╥It is completely impossible -- don╒t waste my time.╙
2) ╥It is possible, but it is not worth doing.╙
3) ╥I said it was a good idea all along.╙
@
Cohen╒s Law
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the
facts -- not the facts themselves.
@
Cole╒s Law
Thinly sliced cabbage.
@
Colvard╒s Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won╒t.
Colvard╒s Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you are attracted to.
Grelb╒s Commentary
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
@
Committee Rules:
1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don╒t say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you
as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular
╤ it╒s what everyone is waiting for.
@
Commoner╒s Three Laws of Ecology
1) No action is without side-effects.
2) Nothing ever goes away.
3) There is no free lunch.
@
Cook╒s Law
Much work ╤ much food.
Little work ╤ little food.
No work ╤ burial at sea.
@
Cornuelle╒s Law
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
@
Crane╒s Law (Friedman╒s Reiteration)
There ain╒t no such thing as a free lunch.
@
DeVries╒s Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don╒t want hits the paper.
@
Diogenes╒ First Dictum
The more heavily a man is supposed to be taxed, the more power
he has to escape being taxed.
@
Diogenes╒ Second Dictum
If a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will.
@
Dow╒s Law
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level,
the greater the confusion.
@
Ducharme╒s Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
@
Dunne╒s Law
The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
@
Eagleson╒s Law:
Any code of your own that you haven╒t looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else.
(Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like 3 weeks.)
@
Ehrman╒s Commentary:
(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
(2) Who said things would get better?
@
Epperson╒s law:
When a man says it╒s a silly, childish game, it╒s probably something his wife can beat him at.
@
Ettorre╒s Observation
The other line moves faster.
@
Evan╒s Law of Politics
When team members are finally in a position to help the team,
it turns out they have quit the team.
@
Everitt╒s Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics
Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will still result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.
@
Famous last words:
(1) Don╒t unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
(2) Let╒s take the shortcut, he can╒t see us from there.
(3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
(4) We won╒t need reservations.
(5) It╒s always sunny there this time of the year.
(6) Don╒t worry, it╒s not loaded.
(7) They╒d never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
@
Farber╒s First Law
Give him an inch and he╒ll screw you.
@
Farber╒s Second Law
A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
@
Farber╒s Third Law
We╒re all going down the same road in different directions.
@
Farber╒s Fourth Law
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
@
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
@
The Fifth Rule
You have taken yourself too seriously.
@
Finagle╒s First Law
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
@
Finagle╒s Second Law
No matter what result is anticipated, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened to his own pet theory.
@
Finagle╒s Third Law
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Corollary 1: No one whom you ask for help will see it.
Corollary 2: Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.
@
Finagle╒s Fourth Law
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
@
Finagle╒s Rules
1) To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you
start.
2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you╒ve been working.
3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
5) Experiments should be reproducible.
They should all fail in the same way.
6) Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
@
Fine╒s Corollary:
Functionality breeds Contempt.
@
First Law of Bicycling
No matter which way you ride it╒s uphill and against the wind.
@
First Law of Bridge
It╒s always the partner╒s fault.
@
First Law of Canoeing (Alfred Andrews╒ Canoeing Postulate)
No matter which direction you start it╒s always against the wind coming back.
@
First Law of Debate
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
@
First Law of Office Holders
Get re-elected.
@
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
@
First Rule of History:
History doesn╒t repeat itself ╤ historians merely repeat each other.
@
The First Rule of Program Optimization:
Don╒t do it.
The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
Don╒t do it yet.
- Michael Jackson
@
Fitz-Gibbon╒s Law
Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved
with the broth.
@
Flap╒s Law
Any inanimate object, regardless of its position or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.
@
14th Corollary of Atwood╒s General Law of Dynamic Negatives
No books are lost by loaning except those you particularly wanted to keep.
@
Franklin╒s Rule
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
@
Fresco╒s Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you╒d probably be bored.
@
Fudd╒s Law
If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.
@
Gerrold╒s Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
direction.
2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
3) The energy required to change either one of these states will
always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as
to make the task totally impossible.
@
Gilb╒s first Laws of Unreliability
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Corollary: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
@
Gilb╒s second Laws of Unreliability
The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
@
Gilb╒s third Laws of Unreliability
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
@
Ginsberg╒s Theorem
1) You can╒t win.
2) You can╒t break even.
3) You can╒t even quit the game.
@
Golden Rules of Indulgence
Everything in excess! To enjoy the full flavor of life, take big bites.
Moderation is for monks. Yield to temptation; it may never pass your way again.
@
Grabel╒s Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
@
Grandpa Charnock╒s Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
@
Gray╒s Law of Programming
n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n trivial tasks.
Logg╒s Rebuttal to Gray╒s Law of Programming
n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.
@
Grosch╒s Law
Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as fast.
@
Gummidge╒e Law
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.
@
Gumperson╒s Law
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
@
Hacker╒s Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind╒s oldest illusions.
@
Hacker╒s Law of Personnel
Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a
task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.
@
Hafstater╒s Law:
It always takes longer than you expect,
even when you take Hafstater╒s law into account.
@
Hagerty╒s Law
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he╒ll get rich or famous or both.
@
Haldane╒s Law
The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine;
it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
@
Hanlon╒s Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
@
Harper╒s Magazine╒s Law
You never find an article until you replace it.
@
Harris╒ Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
@
Hartley╒s First Law
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you╒ve got something.
@
Hartley╒s Second Law
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
@
Harvard Law
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
@
Heller╒s Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.
@
Hendrickson╒s Law
If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.
@
Hlade╒s Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person ╤ they will find an easier way to do it.
@
Hoare╒s Law of Large Programs
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
@
Horner╒s Five Thumb Postulate
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
@
Howard╒s First Law of Theater
Use it.
@
Howe╒s Law
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
@
Hull╒s Theorem
The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons.
@
IBM Pollyanna Principle
Machines should work. People should think.
@
Imhoff╒s Law
The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank ╤ the REALLY big chunks always rise to the top.
@
Iron Law of Distribution
Them what has - gets.
@
Italian Proverb
She who is silent consents.
@
Jacquin╒s Postulate on Democratic Governments
No man╒s life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
@
Jay╒s Laws of Leadership
1) Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them
before anyone else is creativeness.
2) To build something that endures, it is of the greatest importance
to have a long tenure in office ╤ to rule for many years. You
can achieve a quick success in a year or two, but nearly all of
the great tycoons have continued their building much longer.
@
Jenkinson╒s Law
It won╒t work.
@
John Cameron╒s Law
No matter how many times you╒ve had it, if it╒s offered,
take it, because it╒ll never be quite the same again.
@
John╒s Axiom
When your opponent is down, kick him.
@
John╒s Collateral Corollary
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don╒t need it.
@
Johnson╒s Corollary to Heller╒s Law
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your
organization.
@
Johnson╒s First Law:
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.
@
Johnson╒s First Law of Auto Repair
Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll under the car to the vehicle╒s exact geographic center.
@
Johnson-Laird╒s Law
Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
@
Jones╒ Law
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
@
Jones╒ Motto
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
@
Kamin╒s First Law
All currencies will decrease in value and purchasing power over the long term, unless they are freely and fully convertible into gold and that gold is traded freely without restrictions of any kind.
@
Kamin╒s Second Law
Threat of capital controls accelerates marginal capital outflows.
@
Kamin╒s Third Law
Combined total taxation from all levels of government will always
increase (until the government is replaced by war or revolution).
@
Kamin╒s Fourth Law
Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate;
central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit
is non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing.
@
Kamin╒s Fifth Law
Purchasing power of currency is always lost far more rapidly than ever regained. (Those who expect even fluctuations in both directions play a losing game.)
@
Kamin╒s Sixth Law
When attempting to predict and forecast macro-economic moves or economic legislation by a politician, never be misled by what he says; instead watch what he does.
@
Kamin╒s Seventh Law
Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity.
@
Katz╒s Law
Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
@
Kerr-Martin Law
1) In dealing with their OWN problems, faculty members are the
most extreme conservatives.
2) In dealing with OTHER people╒s problems, they are the world╒s
most extreme liberals.
@
Kinkler╒s First Law:
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
Kinkler╒s Second Law:
All the easy problems have been solved.
@
Kirkland╒s Law
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
@
Kitman╒s Law
Pure drivel tends to drive off the TV screen ordinary drivel.
@
Lani╒s Principles of Economics
1) Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
2) $100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years
will increase to more than $100,000,000 by which time it will
be worth nothing.
3) In God we trust, all others pay cash.
@
La Rochefoucauld╒s Law
It is more shameful to distrust one╒s friends than to be deceived by them.
@
Law of Communications
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
@
Law of Computability Applied to Social Science
If at first you don╒t succeed, transform your data set.
@
Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law)
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
@
Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy╒s Corollary)
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
@
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
@
Law of Procrastination
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
@
Laws of Serendipity:
1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
something.
2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be
engaged in making an inferior one.
@
Law of Superiority
The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle.
@
Laws of Computerdom According to Golub
1) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of
estimating the corresponding costs.
2) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to
complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only
twice as long.
3) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically
with time.
4) Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
@
Laws of Computer Programming
1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its
output.
7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
programmer who must maintain it.
8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English,
and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
@
Laws of Gardening
1) Other people╒s tools work only in other people╒s yards.
2) Fancy gizmos don╒t work.
3) If nobody uses it, there╒s a reason.
4) You get the most of what you need the least.
@
Le Chatelier╒s Law
If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium,
the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to
undo the effect of the stress.
@
Les Miserables Meta-Law
All laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be obeyed to the letter.
@
Lockwood╒s Long Shot:
The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren╒t
one in a million, but once would be enough.
@
Lord Falkland╒s Rule
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
@
Lowery╒s Law
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
@
Lubarsky╒s Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There╒s always one more bug.
@
Main╒s Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
@
Malek╒s Law
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
@
Malinowski╒s Law
Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic.
@
Dean Martin╒s Definition of Drunkenness
You╒re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
@
Maintainer╒s Motto:
If we can╒t fix it, it ain╒t broke.
@
Martin-Berthelot Principle
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.
@
Match╒s Maxim
A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.
@
McClaughry╒s Codicil on Jone╒s Motto
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
@
McClaughry╒s Law of Zoning
Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly;
where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down.
@
McGoon╒s Law
The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.
@
McNaughton╒s Rule
Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that is obviously true once stated. @
H. L. Mencken╒s Law
Those who can -- do.
Those who cannot -- teach.
Those who cannot teach -- administrate. (Martin╒s extension)
@
Mencken and Nathan╒s Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
@
Mencken and Nathan╒s Ninth Law of The Average American:
The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
@
Mencken and Nathan╒s Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager╒s wife.
@
Mencken and Nathan╒s Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it.
@
Merrill╒s First Corollary
There are no winners in life; only survivors.
@
Merrill╒s Second Corollary
In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as
much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road.
@
Meskimen╒s Law
There╒s never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
@
Michehl╒s Theorem
Less is more.
@
Pastore╒s Comment on Michehl╒s Theorem
Nothing is ultimate.
@
Micro Credo:
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
@
Miksch╒s Law:
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
@
Miller╒s Law
You can╒t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
@
Mobil╒s Maxim
Bad regulation begets worse regulation.
@
Mosher╒s Law of Software Engineering:
Don╒t worry if it doesn╒t work right; if everything did,
you╒d be out of a job.
@
Murphy╒s Discovery:
Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months
later, you╒re in trouble!
@
Murphy╒s First Law
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
@
Murphy╒s Second Law
Everything takes longer than you think.
@
Murphy╒s Third Law
In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go
wrong will go wrong.
@
Murphy╒s Fourth Law
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
@
Murphy╒s Fifth Law
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
@
Murphy╒s Sixth Law
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
@
Murphy╒s Seventh Law
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
@
Murphy╒s Eighth Law
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
@
Murphy╒s Ninth Law
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
@
Murphy╒s Tenth Law
Mother nature is a bitch.
@
Murphy╒s Eleventh Law
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
@
Murphy╒s Law of Thermodynamics
Things get worse under pressure.
@
Naeser╒s Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can╒t make it damnfoolproof.
@
Newlan╒s Truism:
An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
@
Newton╒s Fourth Law
Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
@
Newton╒s Little-known Seventh Law
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
@
Ninety-ninety Rule of Project Schedules
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
@
O╒Brien╒s Principle (The $357.73 Theory)
Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line
divisible by 5 or 10.
@
Oeser╒s Law
There is a tendency for the person in the most powerful position in an organization to spend all his time serving on committees and signing letters.
@
Oliver╒s Law:
Experience is something you don╒t get until just after you need it.
@
Ordering Principle
Those supplies necessary for yesterday╒s experiment must be ordered no later than tomorrow noon.
@
Osborn╒s Law
Variables won╒t, constants aren╒t.
@
O╒Toole╒s Commentary on Murphy╒s Laws
Murphy was an optimist.
@
Pardo╒s Postulates
1) Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
2) The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old
woman.
3) Don╒t care if you╒re rich or not, as long as you can live
comfortably and have everything you want.
@
Pardo╒s First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Arnold╒s Addendum:
Anything not fitting into the above categories causes cancer in rats.
@
Pareto╒s Law (The 20/80 Law)
20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover, 20% of components account for 80% of the cost, and so forth.
@
Parker╒s Rule of Parliamentary Procedure
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
@
Parker╒s Law of Political Statements
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its
credibility and vice versa.
@
Parkinson╒s First Law
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance andcomplexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion.
@
Parkinson╒s Second Law
Expenditures rise to meet income.
@
Parkinson╒s Third Law
If there is a way to delay an important decision the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
@
Parkinson╒s Fourth Law
The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
@
Parkinson╒s Law of Delay
Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
@
Pastore╒s Truths
1) Even paranoids have enemies.
2) This job is marginally better than daytime TV.
3) On alcohol: four is one more than more than enough.
@
Peckham╒s Law
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
@
Peer╒s Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
@
The Peter Principle
In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties.
@
Peter╒s Corollaries
1) Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
2) Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet
reached their level of incompetence.
3) If at first you don╒t succeed, try something else.
@
Peter╒s Inversion
Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency.
@
Peter╒s Paradox
Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence
in their colleagues.
@
Peter╒s Perfect People Palliative
Each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps)
not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow people we should remember their good qualities and realize that their faults only prove that they are, after all, human. We should refrain from making harsh judgements of people just because they happen to be dirty, rotten, no-good sons-of-bitches.
@
Peter╒s Placebo
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
@
Peter╒s Theorem
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
@
Potter╒s Law
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject╒s true value.
@
Productivity Equation
The productivity, P, of a group of people is:
P = N x T x (.55 - .00005 x N x (N - 1) )
where N is the number of people in the group
and T is the number of hours in a work period.
@
Professor Gordon╒s Rule of Evolving Bryographic Systems
While bryographic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We therefore conclude that a rolling stone gathers no moss.
@
Prudhomme╒s Law of Window Cleaning:
It╒s on the other side.
@
Pudder╒s Law
Anything that begins well ends badly.
Anything that begins badly ends worse.
@
Puritan╒s Law
Evil is live spelled backwards.
@
Puritan╒s Second Law
If it feels good, don╒t do it.
@
Putt╒s Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.
@
Q╒s Law
No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a North Sea (oil) field, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same.
@
Quigley╒s Law:
Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will atttempt to use it.
@
Rangnekar╒s Modified Rules Concerning Decisions
1) If you must make a decision, delay it.
2) If you can authorize someone else to avoid a decision, do so.
3) If you can form a committee, have them avoid the decision.
4) If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately.
@
Rayburn╒s Rule
If you want to get along, go along.
@
Ray╒s Rule of Precision:
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
@
Renning╒s Maxim:
Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
@
Rocky╒s Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
@
Riddle╒s Constant
There are coexisting elements in frustration phenomena which separate expected results from achieved results.
@
Ross╒ Law
Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
@
Rudin╒s Law
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
@
Rule of Creative Research:
(1) Never draw what you can copy.
(2) Never copy what you can trace.
(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
@
Rules:
(1) The boss is always right.
(2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
@
Sam╒s Axiom
1) Any line, however short, is still too long.
2) Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps
it green.
@
Sattinger╒s Law
It works better if you plug it in.
@
Scott╒s Second Law:
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
@
Segal╒s Law
A man with one watch knows what time it is;
a man with two watches is never sure.
@
Sevareid╒s Law
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
@
Shalit╒s Law
The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie.
@
Shanahan╒s Law
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.
@
Shaw╒s Principle
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
@
Simon╒s Law
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
@
Skinner╒s Constant (Flannegan╒s Finagling Factor)
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
@
Snafu Equations
1) Given any problem containing n equations, there will be n + 1
unknowns.
2) An object or bit of information most needed, will be least
available.
3) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all
possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and
obvious, highly visible to everyone else.
4) Badness comes in waves.
@
Sociology╒s Iron Law of Oligarchy
In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchial leaders and the others will follow.
@
Spare Parts Principle
The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of work underway.
@
Speer╒s 1st Law of Proofreading:
The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
@
Steinbach╒s Guideline for Systems Programming
Never test for an error condition you don╒t know how to handle.
@
Steele╒s Plagiarism of Somebody╒s Philosophy
Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I╒ll have another drink.
@
Sturgeon╒s Law
90 per cent of everything is crap.
@
Swipple Rule of Order
He who shouts loudest has the floor.
@
Terman╒s Law
There is no direct relationship between the quality of an educational program and its cost.
@
Terman╒s Law of Innovation
If you want a track team to win the high jump you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.
@
Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will.
@
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.
@
Thoreau╒s Law
If you see a man approaching with the obvious intent of doing you good, run for your life. @
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
The First Law
You can╒t get anything without working for it.
The Second Law
The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
The Third Law
You can only break even at absolute zero.
@
The Three Rules of Video Ergonomics:
1) If you can see the pixels, it╒s too crude.
2) If you can see the edges, it╒s too small.
3) If you don╒t get a tan, it╒s too dim.
@
Transcription Law
The number of errors made is equal to the number of ╘squares╒ employed.
@
Truman╒s Law
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
@
Truths of Management
1) Think before you act; it╒s not your money.
2) All good management is the expression of one great idea.
3) No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
4) Cash in must exceed cash out.
5) If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.
6) If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail.
7) The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.
8) Organizations always have too many managers.
@
Tuccille╒s First Law of Reality
Industry always moves in to fill an economic vacuum.
@
Tussman╒s Law:
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
@
The Two Constant Laws of Frisbee:
1)The most powerful force in the world is that of a disk straining to
land under a car just out of reach (technically, this is termed,
╥Car-Suck╙).
2)Never precede any maneuver with anything more predictive
than ╥Watch this!╙.
@
Uncle Ed╒s Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You╒ll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
@
Vail╒s Axiom
In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchial level.
@
Van Roy╒s Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
@
Velilind╒s Laws of Experimentation:
(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
@
Vique╒s Law
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
@
Vonnegut╒s Corollary
Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugliness goes right to the core.
@
Watson╒s Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.
@
Weaver╒s Corollary (Doyle╒s Corollary)
No matter how many reporters share a cab, and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his own expense account.
@
Weber-Fechner Law
The least change in stimulus necessary to produce a perceptible change in response is proportional to the stimulus already existing.
@
Weinberg╒s First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
@
Weinberg╒s Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
@
Weinberg╒s Corollary
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
@
Weiner╒s Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
@
Westheimer╒s Discovery:
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
@
Westheimer╒s Rule
To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one hour task.
@
Whistler╒s Law:
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
@
White╒s Chappaquidick Theorem
The sooner and in more detail you announce bad news, the better.
@
White╒s Observations of Committee Operation
1) People very rarely think in groups; they talk together, they
exchange information, they adjudicate, they make compromises.
But they do not think; they do not create.
2) A really new idea affronts current agreement.
3) A meeting cannot be productive unless certain premises are so
shared that they do not need to be discussed, and the argument
can be confined to areas of disagreement. But while this kind of
consensus makes a group more effective in its legitimate
functions, it does not make the group a creative vehicle ╤ it
would not be a new idea if it didn╒t ╤ and the group, impelled as
it is to agree, is instinctively hostile to that which is divisive.
@
White╒s Statement
Don╒t lose heart...
@
Byrd╒s Addition to Owen╒s Comment on White╒s Statement
...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
@
Wiker╒s Law
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
@
Wolf╒s Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World)
It isn╒t that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy╒s Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.
@
Wombat╒s Laws of Computer Selection:
1) If it doesn╒t run Unix, forget it.
2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
- Rich Kulawiec
@
Worker╒s Dilemma Law (or Management╒s Put-Down Law)
1) No matter how much you do, you╒ll never do enough.
2) What you don╒t do is always more important than what you do
do.
@
Wynne╒s Law
Negative slack tends to increase.
@
Zymurgy╒s First Law of Evolving System Dynamics
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can. (Old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans).
@
Zymurgy╒s Law on the Availability of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.
