Supremacy 1/Supremacy-1.iso/DEMOS/A-B/AMAZINE4.ZIP/HUMOUR/JUSTLAUG.TXT

Text File | 1987-04-22 | 17KB | 664 lines

       :::::::::::::::::::::::
       ::: JUST FOR LAUGHS :::
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          Compiled by Effead
                of the
          Deviant Designers.

              Written by
          an unknown nobody.

 Top 10 Least Popular Artificial
 Insemination Clinics.

10. Stop 'n' Pop
 9. Aunt Bertha's Baby Batter
 8. Jimmy the Greek's Genetic Crap
    Shoot
 7. International House of Zygotes
 6. Steve Garvey's Kiddie City
 5. Jack-in-the-Box
 4. Cher's bedroom
 3. Ringling Brothers' Grow-Your-Own-
    Circus-People
 2. The Port Authority
 1. McFertilization

 Top 10 Reason why IRAQ wants a
 neuclear bomb

10. To impress the babes.
 9. Already spent a lot of money on a
    beautiful leather atomic bomb
    case.
 8. It'll bring in the tourists.
 7. Tired of being treated like a
    second-rate New Jersey.
 6. To threaten CBS until they give
    Brent Musburger his job back.
 5. To get Iran to turn down the damn
    music.
 4. Conventional warfare went out with
    bellbottoms.
 3. Just to annoy Dan Rather.
 2. Wen some son-of-a-bitch in a
    Porsche cuts us off on the
    freeway.
 1. Hey! We're a bunch of lunatics who
    want to destroy the world.
    So sue us!


 Top 10 Things that Will Get You
 Audited

10. Using one of those "love" stamps.
 9. Have taxes done by stupid,
    incompetent H. Block instead of by
    smart, reliable R. Block.
 8. Using the name "Helmsley."
 7. Calling IRS hotline and offering
    $10 a minute to talk dirty.
 6. Writing off stranger living in
    your house as dependent.
 5. Including handwritten coupon good
    for one "super-duper back rub."
 4. Sending in pizza crusts instead of
    restaurant receipts.
 3. Writing off purchase of new Tito
    Jackson album as charitable
    donation.
 2. Claiming hookers as medical
    expenses.
 1. Request filing extension for
    "until hell freezes over."


 Top 10 Unsuccessful Lambada Movies

10. Ernest Goes to Lambada
 9. Lambada: The Forbidden Phony-
    Baloney Fake Fad
 8. Star Trek V: Lambada
 7. Raymond Burr's Lambada in 3-D
 6. Lambada: It's Spanish for "Polka"
 5. Zorro Acts Swishy
 4. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the
    Lambadinator
 3. The AAA Pesents: Defensive Driving
    the Lambada Way
 2. Godzillambada
 1. Lambada: The Dance No One's
    Actually Doing

 Top 10 Signs Your Kid Is a Loser

10. Neighborhood kids trade and
    collect his teeth.
 9. Sobs uncontrollably every time he
    sees that "Hey Vern" guy.
 8. Constantly using the phrase "Okie-
    dokie."
 7. Turns you in to mall cops for
    parking in handicapped spot.
 6. Turned down for date by Cher.
 5. Tries to start the wave while
    watching game on TV.
 4. Pesters Eddie Albert at "Green
    Acres" conventions.
 3. When he grows up, wants to be
    "just like Dave."
 2. Is U. S. Vice President.
 1. Tends to sit in the backyard and
    eat crickets.


 Top 10 Things to expel you from the
 AAA MotorClub

10. Asking to test drive the AAA
    receptionist.
 9. Vomiting in a toll-booth change
    basket.
 8. Using the word "Fahrvergnugen" at
    any time.
 7. Selling secret handshake to
    Soviets.
 6. Repeatedly adjusting seatbelt to
    provide erotic stimulation.
 5. Calling up the office and asking,
    "AAA? How do you spell that?"
 4. Lewd use of service station air
    hose.
 3. Insisting AAA motel guidebooks
    include Dave's house.
 2. Standing up at a meeting and
    shouting, "I've got a pocketful of
    red hot lug nuts!"
 1. Having personalized license plate
    reading, "I LUV EBERT."


 Top 10 Hubble Space Telescope Excuses

10. The guy at Sears promised it would
    work fine.
 9. Some kids on Earth must be fooling
    around with a garage door opener.
 8. There's a little doohickey rubbing
    against the part that looks kind
    of like a cowboy hat.
 7. See if you can think straight
    after 12 days of drinking Tang.
 6. Bum with squegee smeared lens at
    red light.
 5. Blueprints drawn up by that "Hey
    Vern!" guy.
 4. Those damn raccoons!
 3. Shouldn't have used G.E.
    components.
 2. Ran out of quarters.
 1. Race of super-evolved galactic
    beings are screwing with us!!!!!



 Top 10 Exhibits at the Rock & Roll
 Hall of Fame

10. Michael Jackson's original nose.
 9. Diorama of Pink Floyd trashing a
    Holiday Inn.
 8. The childproof cap Elvis couldn't
    open.
 7. The mint green shorts worn by
    Richard Simmons in "Sweatin' to
    the Oldies."
 6. The Life of Mark Goodman: From MTV
    Veejay to Former MTV Veejay.
 5. The record company weasel petting
    zoo.
 4. Great moments with Mr. Mister.
 3. Get the hell off the stage! -- a
    tribute to opening acts.
 2. Lizard that sings "Blueberry
    Hill."
 1. Ride tbe wild Cher!!!


TYPES OF MEN YOU MEET IN WASHROOMS

1. EXCITABLE TYPE - Pants are twisted,
   cannot find hole, rips pants in
   temper.

2. TIMID TYPE - Cannot pee if someone
   is watching, pretends he has peed
   and sneaks back later.

3. SOCIABLE TYPE - Joins friends in a
   pee, whether he wants to or not,
   says it does'nt cost anything.

4. INDIFFERENT TYPE - All urinals
   occupied, pees in sink.

5. NOISY TYPE - Whistles loudly, peeks
   over partition to see other guys
   weapon.

6. CLEVER TYPE - Pees without holding
   tool, adjusts tie at the same time.

7. FRIVILOUS TYPE - Plays stream up,
   down, and across, and tries to pee
   on flies.

8. ABSENT-MINDED TYPE - Opens
   waistcoat, takes out tie and pees
   in pants.

9. WORRIED TYPE - Not quite sure what
   he has been up to lately, but makes
   close inspection of tool.

10. DISGRUNTLED TYPE - Stands for a
    while, grunts, farts, tries to pee
   but fails.

11. PERSONALITY TYPE - Tells jokes
    while peeing, shakes off tool with
    a flourish.

12. SNEAKY TYPE - Drops silent fart,
    sniffs, looks around at the next
    guy.

13. LEARNED TYPE - Reads book while
    peeing, wets finger with urine to
    turn page.

14. SLOPPY TYPE - Pees down pants into
    shoe, walks out with fly still
    open.

15. CHILDISH TYPE - Looks at bottom of
    urinal while peeing to see
    bubbles.

16. STRONG TYPE - Bangs tool on side
    of urinal to shake off drops.

17. PRECISE TYPE - Pees straight down
    hole, likes to hear thundering
    sound.

18. TALKATIVE TYPE - Cannot stop
    conversation with chap he came in
    with, even if not standing next to
    him, leans across and pees in next
    guys pocket.



          RULES OF THE JOHN

               By RALPH


1. If the John is engaged, cross your
   legs.... Count to 10 and..... PRAY

2. Peeking through the keyhole or
   cussing out occupant - strickly
   forbidden.

3. Be sure lid is open and seat is in
   place before action begins.

4. In awkward or embarrassing moments,
   flush properly and spray profusely.

5. Reading of newspapers, magazines,
   and comics while sitting on the
   throne is limited to 5 minutes
   (Playboy etc., 7 minutes.)

6. Gentlemen are required to stand
   well forward - It may be shorter
   than you think.

7. We aim to please, so you aim too,
   PLEASE!

8. Painting on walls not permitted
   even if complimentary.

9. Playing fairies in the John
   prohibited.

10 Streaking out of the this John is
   not allowed (Except after
   midnight).

11 The John is open '24' hours a day -
   It's as tired as you are. So treat
   it kindly.

12 Fire Department regulations
   restrict occupancy to no more than
   14 persons at one time.

13 Unlucky.... Skip this one.

14 Don't rise from the seat until your
   mission is accomplished!

               Thank You
             The Management



To All Employees:
In view of numerous inquiries, the
Management has been asked to state
Company position on STREAKING.

Management has adopted the following:

1.  Streaking will be permitted as
    follows:

    A.  Female employees wil streak on
        odd days

    B.  Males on even days

    C.  On payday all employees  may
        streak, subject to the
        restrictions given in items 2
        thru 10.

2.  Girls who have tatoos on the lower
    half of their bodies, such as
    'sock it to me' or 'what you see
    is what you get' will not be
    permitted to streak. (Due to
    inspection regulations)

3.  Men with tatoos, such as 'let it
    all hang out' will not be
    permitted to streak. Also, men
    with tatoos of butterflies, or
    roses or elves will streak with
    females.

4.  Junior Executives may carry their
    briefcases while streaking,
    however, the usual rule applies -
    they may never carry business
    papers, but may carry the usual,
    such as a box of kleenex, lunch,
    wife's shopping list and Penthouse
    magazines.

5.  Girls with bust size larger than
    36B must wear a bara while in shop
    area or around any moving
    machinery. Girls smaller than 36B
    should not try to impress people
    by wearing a bra.

6.  If you streak in any area where
    food is served, you must wear two
    hair nets. These will by available
    in the vending machine by the
    cafeteria.

7.  In the event your physical make-up
    is such that your sex cannot by
    determined (such as flat chest for
    girls) you must wear a tag stating
    'I am a boy' or 'I am a girl'.
    Tags will be attached on girls
    with hair pins or paper clip; on
    boys with a rubber band.

8.  Girls may wear jewelery while
    streaking, but in no event should
    they bend over to retrieve it
    should it fall. (Due to insurance
    regulations)

9.  No female beyond her seventh month
    of pregancy or those wishing
    to become pregnant may streak.

10. No mixed streaking in dark
    hallways, broom closets, or under
    desks.

            THE MANAGEMENT


The following are actual statements
found in insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the
details of the accidents in the fewest
words. These instances of faulty
writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly
entertaining.


- Coming home, I drove into the wrong
  house and collided with a tree that
  I don't have.

- The other car collided with mine
  without giving warning of its
  intentions.

- I thought my window was down, but
  found out it wasn't when I put my
  head through it.

- I collided with a stationary truck
  coming the other way.

- A track backed through my windshield
  into my wife's face.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under
  my car.

- The guy was all over the road. I had
  to swerve a number of times before I
  hit him.

- I pulled away from the side of the
  road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
  and  headed over the embankment.

- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove
  into a telephone pole.

- I had been shopping for plants all
  day and was on my way home. As I
  reached an intersection, a hedge
  sprang up, obscuring my vision and I
  did not see the other car.

- I had been driving for forty years
  when I fell asleep at the wheel and
  had an accident.

- I was on my way to the doctor with
  rear end trouble when my universal
  joint gave way causing me to have an
  accident.

- As I approached the intersection, a
  sign suddenly appeared in a place
  where no stop sign had ever been
  before. I was unable to stop in time
  to avoid the accident.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the
  car in front, I struck the
  pedestrian.

- An invisible car came out of
  nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

- I told the police that I was not
  injured, but on removing my hat,
  found that I had a fractured skull.

- I was sure the old fellow would
  never make it to the other side of
  the road when I struck him.

- The pedestrian had no idea which
  direction to run, so I ran over him.

- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old
  gentleman as he bounced off the hood
  of my car.

- The indirect cause of the accident
  was a little guy in a small car with
  a big mouth.

- I was thrown from my car as it left
  the road. I was later found in a
  ditch by some cows.

- The telephone pole was approaching.
  I was attempting to swerve out of
  its way, when it struck my car.

- My car was legally parked as it
  backed into the other vehicle.


      ::::::::::::::::::::::::::
      ::: DOUBLESIDING PAPER :::
      ::::::::::::::::::::::::::



The good news is that, due to rising
sales of computers, the price of
diskettes is falling. The bad news is
that the near future is likely to
bring higher prices for paper
supplies. However, if you still use
the old No.2 bonded lead
wordprocessor, I have some useful
information. YOU CAN DOUBLE-SIDE YOUR
NOTEBOOK PAPER!

Although paper manufacturers only
certify the "front side" of a piece of
paper, it is a little known fact that
the back side is capable of holding
the same amount of information. You
too, can use the back side of your
paper. But before you do, I must
inform you that there are mixed
feelings about doing so.

Paper manufacturers are quick to point
out that writing on the back side of
the sheet could cause problems for the
data on both sides of the paper, and
that they will not honour warranties
if the back side has been used. The
biggest problem is "write through".
This occurs if the wrong pencil or pen
is used, or if too much pressure is
applied during the writing process.
There is also a problem  with
standardization. Some users turn the
paper upside-down when writing on the
back, while others leave it right-
side-up. (If the paper is held upside-
down during the reading process, it
will be in the wrong orientation to
the "head", and a read error will
occur.) Also many school teachers,
publishers and governmental offices
frown upon the practice of using the
back of the paper, and will not accept
material if both sides of the paper
have been used.

Students and other paper users
however, claim they have used the back
of many thousands of pages with little
or no loss of data. A few go so far as
to claim there is a conspiracy among
paper manufacturers, merchandisers and
public officials to discourage the use
of the backs.

You must decide for yourself if you
will use the back side of your paper.
But if you decide to give it a go,
here's how.

Look at the sheet of paper. You can
tell the front by several different
methods. First, the row of alignment
holes go towards the left. Secondly,
the watermark (if present) can be read
if you hold the paper up to the light.
To double-side a sheet, turn it over
and examine the back. Look especially
for flaws and defects. If the overall
appearance is satisfactory, then with
a ruler and pen, mark the hole
locations on the proper side. (You
should try this initially with paper
containing no valuable data.) Use a
regular hole-punch to make the holes.
(You can purchase one at a department
store, but I don't recommend that you
tell them what you intend to use it
for.) Your paper is now double sided.
Good luck if you decide to try it...


          :::::::::::::::::
          ::: A BAD DAY :::
          :::::::::::::::::


You know you are having a BAD DAY
when:

When your TOOTHPASTE taste FUNNY, and
you look at the TUBE, and its
PREPERATION H!.

When you discover that you just
SPRAYED your UNDERARMS with HAIRSPRAY!

When you go outside and notice you
have a FLAT, and the SPARE is also
FLAT!.

When you stop for gas, and you FILL up
the CAR, and then find that you left
your WALLET at home!.

When you stop to buy CIGARETTES and
you later find out that they gave you
a PACK of NON-FILTER CIGARETTES!.

When you put 50 cents in the PARKING
METER and the NEEDLE doesn't MOVE!.

When you walk into a room full of
LADIES and notice your ZIPPER is
OPEN!.

When you go to the BATHROOM and find
out there is no TOILET PAPER, and you
have to come back out like DON JOHNSON
of MIAMI VICE (no socks!).

When you put your MONEY in the COFFEE
MACHINE and the COFFEE comes out, but
no CUP!.

When you drive 30 miles to the nearest
CONSUMERS DISTRIBUTING to get an item
and they DON'T have it in STOCK!

When you get out of BED in the MORNING
and feel something WARM between your
toes, and then realize you forgot to
take the DOG out for a walk last
night!.

When you TURN ON your AMIGA and insert
the WORKBENCH DISK and the HAND on the
screen just stays there!.

When you notice at 1:00 in the
morning, you DON'T have anymore
CIGATETTES, and your wife EMPTIED all
the cigarette buts into the toilet
before going to bed!.

When after 3 hours of trying, you
finally CONNECT to your favorite BBS
and the POWER GOES OFF!.


That's all folks.....